Unknown Proximity to Dirty Exits

In a public restroom, that torn off end of toilet tissue that you grab and pull to use in your own personal wiping process was probably touched by someone who had their hands near their own "dirty exits". I mean, how do you think it got torn?

Think about that one for a while.

Seinfeld - Friends Connection

A lot of people don't buy into this, but I thought I'd get it all out in the open now before it becomes totally irrelevant. There is a connection / crossover between The TV series “Seinfeld” and “Friends” via “Mad About You”.

1) In an episode of "Mad About You", Paul faces mounting pressure from Jamie to sign over the lease of his bachelor pad to the person he’s subletting it to. That person is revealed to be Cosmo Kramer.

2) The waitress, Ursula, a reoccurring character on “Mad About You”, is later revealed to be the twin sister of the character, Phoebe, on “Friends”.

And there you have it. "Seinfeld" to "Mad About You" to "Friends".

Hosed... the Conclusion!

Well, I’m back from my involuntary sabbatical. By involuntary sabbatical, I mean 90-day incarceration. If you recall in my previous post, I mentioned inviting a neighbor and her son over to “make amends” for “possibly injuring her”. As you can surely perceive, this was nothing more than a transparent attempt to avoid a potential lawsuit. While I still maintain I was not at fault, I’m not a huge fan of filing paperwork or confrontation (organized or otherwise). Anyway, for dinner, I made a terrific dish I like to call, “Chicken Nonsense” (if you’re interested, you can e-mail me for the recipe). I was setting the food out on the table, when her son accused me of cross contamination. I explained that while bohemians such as themselves probably only possess one cutting utensil in their house and must clean it thoroughly between uses, I had, in fact, an entire set of knives from which to pick and choose. This infuriated the son for some odd reason and he tried to snatch the knife away from me. A struggle ensued and, long story short, I had to get some stitches.

On the way out of the hospital I tried to steal some of the traffic cones from the hospital parking lot. A police officer saw me. I suppose I made things worse for myself when I panicked and drove off. As I looked back to observe the police officer’s progress I, T-Boned an ambulance. Fortunately I wasn’t hurt, but man, I would’ve hated to have been the people in that ambulance. So, 90 days later, here I am. Mr. Chappers is somehow still alive despite being alone for some three months and my contributions at work are so insignificant, that my absence was undetected.

This entire situation has made me realize just how sitcomical life can really be. Let us never speak of this again.

Hosed... part ll?

Apparently, the idea I had in a previous post regarding hosing down my snowy driveway and then salting it down has gotten me into a bit of trouble. And by a bit of trouble, I mean possible lawsuit.

My driveway’s fine, but I hadn’t taken into account H20’s ability to flow downhill and pool elsewhere, which it did, in front of an old woman’s house. Apparently she wasn’t expecting there to be ice on the ground during the winter and went haphazardly trouncing down to her mailbox, throwing caution to the wind, falling, and snapping her coccyx (tailbone). Now her son’s all up in arms, telling me I was negligent and threatening to “sue my a$$”.

I’m having them over for dinner tomorrow night to try to smooth things over. We’ll see what develops.

Mr. Chappers

Yesterday I purchased a small tortoise that I decided to call Mr. Chappers. Much like raw chicken, Mr. Chappers has the potential to carry salmonella. I thought having such a harbinger of doom around the house might help me get over this fear of germs, but only time will tell. Currently, I approach Mr. Chappers in a HAZMAT suit, fearful that his small, chelonian body is a hotel for disease.

Late for Work

Well the various holidays are over so it' s back to the grind for ol' Mitchell. I like going to work actually, as it makes me feel productive. I was late this morning because of an enhanced showering regimen I've developed.

In addition to regular anti-bacterial soap and water, I've also recently introduced the concept of completely covering myself with that anti-bacterial hand gel after I dry off. The idea behind it being that germs live in the water I use to shower and also lurk within the fine stitching of my towels. I slather it on, and within seconds, I am dry and germ-free.

In doing so however, I've added at least an extra 8 minutes to my daily preparations... something I didn't take into account when I set my alarm clock.

Hosed!

It's been snowing a lot here as of late and my back hurts from all this shoveling. I think I may have come up with an easy solution, though... I'll simply hose down my driveway. That's right. I'll dig out the garden hose, connect it to the spicket in the basement, turn the hot water on, and start spraying. After the water's melted all the snow, I'll heavily salt the driveway and sidewalk to prevent it from freezing over.

I can't lose.