Elevator Etiquette

If you get on an elevator and choose to stand in front of the "control panel", it's your responsibility to expedite the elevator ride by pressing the "close door" button after people exit the elevator. People are in a hurry and they don't need to be held up by some slack jawed yokel who could close the door, but instead stares at the open door for 5 seconds after someone exits.

Don't board the elevator until everyone who needs to exit at that floor has done so. Do you try to cram more food in your mouth if you're vomiting? Unlikely. Carry this practice over when waiting to get on an elevator.

No eye contact... it makes me feel awkward. Please stare at your feet or between the heads of others. The floor numbers are a good place to gawk.

Vocal interaction should be confined to rudimentary greetings such as, "hello", "good morning", etc. The cute thing your kid did the other day or your urinary tract infection are of little concern to others. There is an exception to this rule if you're talking about something "saucy".

And finally, flatulence should be kept to a minimum. A complete lack of flatulence would be ideal. However, if you must "release the beast", wait a couple seconds and then give an abrasive glance towards the most homely occupant. It's generally accepted that the less attractive someone is, the more prone they are to "bodily stankage".

Enjoy the ride.