Elevator Etiquette

If you get on an elevator and choose to stand in front of the "control panel", it's your responsibility to expedite the elevator ride by pressing the "close door" button after people exit the elevator. People are in a hurry and they don't need to be held up by some slack jawed yokel who could close the door, but instead stares at the open door for 5 seconds after someone exits.

Don't board the elevator until everyone who needs to exit at that floor has done so. Do you try to cram more food in your mouth if you're vomiting? Unlikely. Carry this practice over when waiting to get on an elevator.

No eye contact... it makes me feel awkward. Please stare at your feet or between the heads of others. The floor numbers are a good place to gawk.

Vocal interaction should be confined to rudimentary greetings such as, "hello", "good morning", etc. The cute thing your kid did the other day or your urinary tract infection are of little concern to others. There is an exception to this rule if you're talking about something "saucy".

And finally, flatulence should be kept to a minimum. A complete lack of flatulence would be ideal. However, if you must "release the beast", wait a couple seconds and then give an abrasive glance towards the most homely occupant. It's generally accepted that the less attractive someone is, the more prone they are to "bodily stankage".

Enjoy the ride.

Cost per Wear Ratio

Thanks given

I don't really eat that much at Thanksgiving dinner... I just can't get all worked up over that sort of food. I mean it's ok and all, but c'mon, it's pilgrim food. They ate that stuff because that's all there was. I find it difficult to believe that in today's hamburger/pizza/taco culture, we can't find something more delicious to consume than a hormonally charged domesticated game bird and some canned vegetables that we would normally give to a food drive. I say, eff the turkey and enjoy a nice piece of steak instead.

Juicy steak on the grill with some sautéed onions and mushrooms, or dry turkey with stuffing coming out of its ass, baked in the oven? The choice is clear.

Thank You Obligations

The other day at the grocery store, I let a woman in front of me in line because she only had one item and I had a full cart. She said, "Thank you", and then after a few seconds turned around and said, "You know, that was a bit rude". "What do you mean? I just let you in front of me!", I replied. She said I was rude because I did not return her "thank you" with a "you're welcome".

This is ridiculous.

The "you're welcome" response should be an understood part of this sort of interaction. By allowing someone access to a good or service is an indication that they are already "welcome" to it. A person shouldn't be obligated to say anything after someone says, "thank you" to them. They already tendered a favor. To have to retort to the expected response of "thank you" is a bit much.

Bags of cheese!

Even though there are already two unopened bags of shredded mozzarella in the fridge, I purchased another bag today as the thought of running out is simply revolting.

Welcome

Hello there. I'm Mitchell Nertz and this is my blog. I thought this might be a good forum to get some stuff off my chest.

I used to go to a therapist, but not anymore. You see, I received notification via post a few months back informing me that my therapist had died suddenly and the practice was making every effort to place me with a new one. I felt terrible that she had died so young, but at the same time I was very relieved to know that all the embarrassingly obsessive things shared during my sessions were eternally locked 12 feet beneath the earth’s surface in a concrete vault.

That said, I hope you enjoy reading this and please don't comment unless you have something interesting to say. "OMGWTFBBQ U SUCK!", isn't going to cut the mustard here.